The Cream Pie Superweapon
by BookFreak
Summary: It all starts with cream pie that conveniently turns to refined naquadah-based explosive when fired upon, and a bucnh of reclusive, weapons-researching zealots. . . Please read and review! I have all the chapters written, but I wanna get more reviews by p
1. Episode One: Teaser

**The Cream Pie Superweapon**  
by BookFreak

Rating: PG-13 for . . . nothing, but just in case

Category: Action/Adventure, Humor (not much of the first, I'll admit)

Summary: It all starts with a cream pie that conveniently turns to naquadah-based explosive when fired upon, and a bunch of reclusive weapons-researching zealots...

Feedback: Please! Review! Review, review, review!

* * *

SCENE: Gate Control Room

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Hammond: Iris. Defense teams to positions. This is not a drill, this is not a drill.

M1[softly]: When is it ever a drill around here? Desert Storm was calmer than the SGC.

M2[softly]: Pay's better, though, and no Gulf War Syndrome.

M1[softly]: Nah, we get alien diseases from all over the galaxy instead.

SG-1 enters.

Davis: Sealed. Chevron seven locked. Wormhole stable.

Jack: Your dad?

Hammond: We're not getting the Tok'ra GDO., and the wormhole's originating from Chulak.

Carter looks disappointed.

Daniel: Who else would want to contact us?

Teal'c: Perhaps Master Bra'tac, or Ry'ac.

There is a loud thud against the iris.

Jack: You'd better hope not.

Daniel: Master Bra'tac has a GDO. That couldn't be him.

Davis: Wormhole out.

Hammond: Open the iris. Science team to the Gate room.

Davis: Uh, sir, the iris is obstructed. There's something in the tracks.

Hammond: Science team to the Gate room.

Jack exits. The camera pans out the window, and we see him strolling along up the ramp.

Jack: Siler, a hand, please?

Jack and Siler grab two pieces of the iris and pull. The iris is hinged so that as the two pieces are pulled apart, the remainder follows.

The camera zooms in through the window until it seems to be hovering only a few feet from the two. We now see that there's a thick white foam all over the iris, and most of it has been scraped off onto the Gate itself as the iris retracted. There's tons of the stuff, as if the fire department had hosed the entire thing down with Extinguisher C. The foam is all over Jack and Siler's hands, and dripping off the iris and Gate. A large blob drips down and splats all over M1's .50 caliber machine gun.

The camera pans over to the side and we see below the ramp, where foam is dripping out the back of the gate and forming a little swimming pool at the bottom of the Gate. The camera swings back up, and foam is dripping off onto the ramp, where it slides down. Jack and Siler's boots are getting covered by it.

Siler looks annoyed, and is wiping his hands vigorously on a handkerchief. Jack starts laughing.

Hammond: Colonel, report.

Jack: Ah, about the science team ... that won't be necessary, sir. [reaches over, dabs up some white foam the rim of the housing scraped off the retracting iris] Unless I'm mistaken, this is an interstellar cream pie. Looks like somebody's decided to welcome us to the neighborhood.

OPENING CREDITS


	2. Episode One: Act One

SCENE: Lab/Infirmary

Fraiser: I don't believe this. It actually is cream pie ... or whatever would be left of one after smashing into the iris. This ... this is amazing. Cooky could have whipped this up.

Hammond: Carter, what are the odds of another Gate world making a cream pie?

Jack: Hey, pie is universal.

Carter: Very slim, sir. 

Daniel: In fact, I don't think anybody from Earth even had cream pies when the Goa'uld decided to transplant them away.

Davis [entering]: Sir, I've confirmed the glyphs of the planet of origin. It's Chulak.

Fraiser: That's absurd! I don't think Goa'uld can even digest cream!

Teal'c: Indeed. Goa'uld are, as you would phrase it, lactose intolerant. Even with host-body processing beforehand, we cannot draw any amount of nutriment.

Davis: Nonetheless, that is the planet.

Hammond: Doctor! I want that thing quarantined. Get a team down there to collect whatever samples you need.

Fraiser: Yes, sir!

Hammond: Carter, I want you to find a way to get the rest off that Gate without disturbing it. The last thing we want is to aerosolize whatever the Goa'uld sent us.

SCENE: Infirmary, later

Fraiser: I can't find anything wrong with this. It's just cream pie. 

Daniel: Cream pie important enough to the Goa'uld to send through a Gate.

Fraiser: That's what I don't understand. A biological weapon, a bomb, fine, but a cream pie?

Daniel: Let's try giving it some juice, see if it reacts somehow.

Fraiser: Okay. It's presumably Goa'uld, so let's start with some common Goa'uld power sources.

Teal'c and Carter enter.

Carter: Okay, Teal'c. We're going to try to ... stimulate the ... cream.

Teal'c: Ah, that would be why you asked me to draw a zat'n'ktel from the armory.

Daniel: You got it.

Teal'c "cocks" the zat'n'ktel, aims at the container, and fires. The container explodes violently.

Carter: Damn! [slaps fire-suppression release]

PA: What the ---- what is going on down there?! We just read a huge magnetic surge and an explosion!

Teal'c: I take it that you did _not_ receive permission for me to fire the zat'n'ktel?

Carter: No. But we're all sealed up, so it's okay. Anybody hurt?

Fraiser: This is amazing. The cream has just become a solid lump of refined naquadah explosive.

Daniel: It _was_ a bomb.

Hammond [over PA]: What just happened?

Carter: Sir, when hit by a zat gun blast the cream turns into refined naquadah. 

Fraiser: I don't understand how I could have missed that before. Naquadah is an element; you can't form it by a chemical reaction with any ingredient of a cream pie. And I know there wasn't anything but cream in that pie.

Hammond: Did anything escape?

Fraiser: No, we buttoned up tight before Teal'c fired.

Hammond: Before Teal'c fired?

Fraiser: Ah ... we asked him to shoot the ... cream.

Hammond: This is going to be a very ... long debriefing.

SCENE: Briefing room

Hammond: So you shot it with the zat gun. What happened next?

Carter: A sympathetic magnetic surge followed by the explosion. When the smoke cleared we found a lump of solid naquadah where the cream used to be.

Fraiser: Under the circumstances, I'd reccommend we do not dispose of any of the cream.

Hammond: Understood.

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Jack: Isn't it nice how everything always happens at once? 

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: It's the Tok'ra, sir.

Hammond: Open the iris, then.

The iris opens, then the wormhole stabilizes. Jacob steps out.

Jacob: I have an urgent message. The Goa'uld have developed some sort of quantum stepper. [pauses] Can we speak privately?

Hammond: This way. [into Briefing Room]

SCENE: Briefing Room

Selmak: As I -- Jacob, actually -- was saying, the Goa'uld have developed a quantum stepper.

Jack: Great. Guess we'll be seeing some fancy gyms on Chulak soon, won't we?

Carter: By "quantum stepper" do you mean a device that can alter matter at will?

Jack: Thanks for the brief there, folks.

Daniel: I have to admit, I don't quite understand it either.

Carter [turning to others]: A quantum stepper is ... well, the holy grail of physics. You see, matter is basically a cloud of electrons orbiting a tight nucleus of protons and neutrons. It's the protons and neutrons that determine the properties. Add a proton and two neutrons to a hydrogen atom, for example, and you've got helium. Usually that's not a concern because one can't force a proton through the outer electron cloud. The stargate was once believed to be able to do this using an interdimensional lensing effect to slip the protons in without actually making it pass through the outer shells.

Selmak: With a quantum stepper the Goa'uld will be able to literally do anything they please. Fortunately, their prototype model is fairly limited. We believe it is a self-consuming substance that must be formulated to convert one specific element to another before use. More importantly, it must be sent through a stargate to prime it. An alternate theory is that it takes energy and uses that to step itself into the desired element. Unfortunately, it exists only partially within this galaxy, so it is extremely difficult to detect, probably impossible with Tau'ri instruments.

Jack: Just on a hunch ... would this stepper substance be able to convert, say, cream, into naquadah?

Entire SG-1 team winces.

Selmak: Well ... yes, I suppose it could. It would be difficult, since cream is actually a colloid of many substances, but if you really wanted ... although I don't know why the Goa'uld would want to do that.

Hammond: We recently received a cream pie from Chulak. When a sample was subjected to a zat'n'ktel blast it transformed into pure naquadah.

Jacob: Did you have the iris closed?

Jack: Yeah. It managed to re-integrate anyway.

Selmak [wince]: We were afraid of that. Since they're only partially within this galaxy, that means the energy from hitting the iris just fuels it. It was probably some sort of chain reaction, one type of stepper jumping to a second kind, which eventually transformed into the naquadah. If that was the way they managed to let it survive the iris, that means they have at hand both types theorized by our scientists. The self-converting kind for the iris, then the catalyst kind to turn the ... 

Jack: Yah. Cream. You heard us.

Selmak: The ... cream into naquadah. 

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Everyone rushes out.

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: Chevron seven locked, and wormhole stable. Iris sealed, sir.

Hammond: Another attempt at quantum-stepping a bomb in, Selmak?

Selmak: Possibly. I don't know why they'd try again, though. An amount of naquadah explosive the volume of a large cream pie is more than enough to destroy this base.

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: It's the Tok'ra. [pops on a pair of headphones] Um, they're speaking Goa'uld, sir.

Selmak: Give me that. [puts headphones on] 

Jack [quietly]: Psst. Teal'c! [Motions toward another set of headphones with head]

Teal'c [in normal voice]: Yes, Jack O'Neill?

Jack: D'oh! 

Selmak: General Hammond, it's not the Goa'uld, it's Anubis alone that has this stepper technology.

Teal'c: The stepper originated from Chulak.

Selmak: Anubis recently developed the technology to intersect wormholes and transfer matter from one to the other, allowing him to fake gate addresses. Regardless, he has the stepper and he's using it to materialize a radioactive material through the stargate of our second base. They threw up a barrier, but it's not stopping much of the particle stream. We think it's this uranium you human seem so fond of.

Jack: Particulate uranium ... that would screw the place up real bad, right?

Carter: Yes, sir. If he's just spewing it into the air, he might be trying to contaminate the stargate, make it so radioactive nobody can use it.

Jack: Or he could be trying to blow it up ... that's the usual application of uranium.

Jacob: Good idea. 

Selmak: [speaks Goa'uld into mike] They say that it is the third lightest isotope, the one with 235 neutrons.

Jack: Third lightest? U-235 is the lightest!

Selmak gives him a patronizing smile.

Jack: Be real happy I don't want to stick my hand down Jacob's throat right now, Selmak. Be real happy.

Carter: Then you have to take that barrier down!

Selmak: I believe that this uranium of yours is emitting harmful radiation; removing the barrier would only increase it.

Jack: If you keep the barrier in place, the uranium will collect on the gate-side surface. Once you get ... oh, 22 pounds or so, any stray neutron can set it off.

Jacob: A nuclear bomb? 

Selmak: You are correct; Anubis may be able to form a crude nuclear chain reaction. He has been sending the uranium-stepper through the barrier on and off for over six hours already. 

COMMERCIALS


	3. Episode One: Act Two

SCENE: Briefing Room

Hammond: I've been discussing the situation with Selmak and Major Carter. The Tok'ra have formally requested our assistance.

Jack: Yes sir! When do we leave?

Hammond: Based upon our predictions, Anubis should be forced to shut his gate off in approximately twelve minutes. Then the next window will come in fifty minutes. Selmak's Tok'ra will dial the other base to occupy the stargate; meanwhile, we will assault Anubis's base.

Jack: That's suicide! Ahem ... Sir.

Carter: Normally it would be, but Anubis is using a regular stargate, with a DHD. That means he has to physically have a Jaffa there dialing the base every single time; what we're going to do is send a UAV through, and use it to target a nuclear-tipped missile -- something small, a few tons, something like a SADM -- at the DHD. We'll follow this with blind grenade launches through the gate, and random minigun strafing. During this time, more missiles get launched through. These rocket up to the high stratosphere and loiter, dropping down if anything without an ID beacon starts moving. That should buy us enough time to get through the gate. 

Teal'c: Most Goa'uld move their Stargates to an enclosed area.

Hammond: In that case, the UAV crashes immediately. We send the missile through and shut down. A confined nuclear blast, if it doesn't destroy the DHD or whatever mechanism Anubis is using to launch the stepper, will render the room so radioactive even Jaffa won't be able to get anything done before they die. But just to be on the safe side we also have a few canisters of nerve gas ready, which we'll vent into the gate shortly after the missile. Any more questions?

Daniel: Yeah ... aren't we ... well, nuclear missiles and nerve gas seem ... like overkill for gate?

Jack: No. General, where are we getting all this hardware from?

Carter: Siler and his gang are already remounting warheads onto our standard missile motors. The loiter missiles will be UAVs with a few warheads strapped on. We've always had the nerve gas in storage, and the grenade launchers and machine guns are in the armory.

Hammond: The President has deemed this mission a top priority.

Jack: So anything we want, we get?

Carter: More or less.

Jack: Great. How about the studio tapes for the Simpsons?

Teal'c: What are these Simpsons that you refer to so often?

Daniel: They're a bunch of nonexistent idiots who get themselves arrested or otherwise in trouble every night.

Teal'c: An admirable example for rebels.

Jack: Excuse me? One [index finger] we're not rebels. To be rebelling against the Goa'uld you have to be one of their conquered planets ... which we are not. The fact that we engage in espionage, sabotage, active warfare, AND plot to wipe each other out every now and then is irrelevant. Two [middle finger up too] Simpsons are not just nonexistent idiots. Although they do get in trouble every night.

Hammond [looking a bit ticked]: Well, you have your orders. Dismissed!

Daniel: They are too just nonexistent idiots!

Jack: Are not!

Daniel: Are too!

Jack: Are not!

Daniel: Are too!

Carter: Doesn't it scare you sometimes, Teal'c, to think that these are the people who have to regularly save the world?

Jack and Daniel continue arguing in background, Hammond looks really ticked.

Teal'c [after a moment of contemplation]: Indeed. To quell these fears I must sometimes resort to a deep kel'no'reem.

Carter: Gentlemen!

Jack: Carter! You know the Simpsons --

Carter: I don't care! We have a mission.

Jack: Mission. Oh. Right. 

Daniel: Thank you!

Hammond [rather loudly]: Yes, you all have a mission. In ... 35 minutes! Dismissed!

Jack: Yes sir.

SCENE: Gate Room

Jack: Ok, Pierce, lay down some cover fire for us. I want the napalm ... Carter, where the hell is my napalm?!

Siler [enters lugging what looks like a large bomb with five other people]: Napalm, sir!

Jack: Siler, how are we getting that through the gate?

Siler: Just roll it, sir! We added a bit of solder to the barometer, red-shifted the radar emitter --

Jack: And?

Siler: Well, we modified the guidance system --

Jack: Siler! Will it make a lotta lotta fire and get all over the place!

Siler: Yes sir.

Jack: All I needed to know. Ok, Pierce, as I was saying, once the missile blows, lay down some cover fire for us. The UAV should get you a bead on the DHD; put a few gunners to target that especially, you can't see it but the bullets'll hit just fine, and just sweep the whole damn place. Grenades ... Carter, where the hell are my grenades?

Carter: We scrubbed them sir. A dedicated grenade launcher needs a high, indirect trajectory, and a rifle-mounted grenade launcher doesn't have the range.

Jack: Oh. [looks at his P90] Okay, team. Let's go!

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: Dialing the Anubis address. Chevron one coded, chevron two, three, four, five, six, chevron seven locked. UAV away.

UAV enters the gate.

Davis: Establishing link ... the gate is outdoors, some sort of meadow, I'd guess, surrounded by woods. Sir, [turns slightly] they have some sort of forcefield generator in place. I don't know its resolution, but if it can trap even a portion of the blast ...

Hammond [grimly]: SG-1 will take lethal dosages within seconds. 

Davis: Yes sir.

Pause

Hammond: Launch the missile.

Davis: Yes sir. Weapon away.

Camera pans out the windows, where men have dropped their blast shields even as the tail of the rocket is still visible entering the gate, and are rushing to take up their positions. SG-1 remains at the side.

M2: Sir, requesting permission to initiate primary bombardment!

Hammond [voiceover]: Granted. 

Davis [voiceover]: The real-time video footage from the UAV are on the monitors above you.

M2 [as Davis speaks]: Fire at will! Squad one, DHD! Squad two, left field, squad three center, squad four right. 

The Marine let rip, and believe me, do they let rip! Machine guns, rifles, and rifle-mounted grenade launchers even though according to Carter they're useless.

SCENE: Anubis's Gate

A giant Anubis head is floating over a hellish plain. All the trees are charred, bent over away from the force of the blast, and the ground is burnt black. There are small lumpish mounds of dust here and there, and bits of twisted metal. Directly behind the gate, in a sort of triangle, where the gate deflected the blast, is a less damaged area. Directly in front of the gate is a large bulky machine covered in shimmering, transparent sheeting (think red Glad/Saran Wrap), entirely undamaged.

Anubis: Jaffa kree! Ol'mak ananjag et yruun!

Three Jaffa charge forward, toward the machine. They grab it and are about to drag it back when the bombardment starts. The Jaffa are blasted off their feet, twitching in midair before falling back down. A grenade explodes against the machine; the Saran Wrap flashes a brighter red around the impact, but nothing else happens.

Anubis: Jaffa ananjag et yruun malik!

The Jaffa start creeping forward, staff weapons at ready.

SCENE: Gate Room

Jack: Let's go!

He and Carter approach from the left side, Teal'c and Daniel from the right. They form up at the ramp.

Jack: The minute we're through, launch the loiter UAV and lay down some cover. 

Hammond [PA]: God speed, SG-1.

Jack: Go, go, go!

They charge forward and dive (literally, a horizontal swan dive into the gate) through.

SCENE: Anubis's Gate

The SG-1 erupt from the gate, tumbling neatly and rolling off to the sides. A fresh barrage of weapons fire comes from the gate, slaughtering the Jaffa.

Anubis: Jaffa kree bannyacht ek el'enak!

The Jaffa start shooting wildly at SG-1, who return fire, crouching by the gate. Three Jaffa run forward and duck under the Saran Wrap; they start fiddling with the controls. A panel lifts in the front of the Saran Wrap, and a long tube starts extending from the machine. 

Jack: Carter! Is that tube a good thing?

Carter: Sir, it might be how they're sending the stepper through! [shoots]

The tube stops just an inch from the rippling event horizon.

Anubis [spinning in midair]: Human! Surrender, or Earth dies!

Jack: A+ delivery, D- creativity, Anubis!

Carter: Sir ...

Anubis: Jaffa kree aht! [hand pops up next to head, Jaffa stop shooting] Mehnan dohj. Watch as your foolish friends sicken and die.

Teal'c: Anubis, you are the foolish one. [aims and shoots through the tiny little open area the tube is poking through. The staff bolt bounces off inside the Saran Wrap and kills the Jaffa operating the machine.]

Anubis: Jaffa dohj! [one of the other two Jaffa moves over and keeps working]

Jack: Jaffa dodge this! ["walks" his P90's fire through the ground under the head. Sparks fly, and the Anubis head disappears] Go!

SG-1 retreats, putting down cover fire against the Jaffa, who are now charging forward recklessly. They make it to what's left of the tree line, and flop down behind a low ridge, intending to make a stand.

Daniel: Teal'c, why aren't we getting ambushed from the rear right about now?

Jack: What, you complaining?

Teal'c: Anubis may not have been expecting an attack; it would not be logical for him to surround a gate on his own world.

Jack: Okay, cut the chatter. Why isn't Anubis pursuing [pans and zooms to show the Jaffa getting pinned again by fire from the stargate, then focuses back on Jack] no, never mind that, what is he sending through the gate? This is an incoming wormhole.

Carter: Well, according to Dad [blush] ahem, Selmak, this stepper doesn't wholly exist in our universe. So it may display certain waveform properties that allow it to travel a wormhole regardless of the orientation.

Jack: Okay, we're not letting him send any uranium to Earth. How is that machine protected? That Saran Wrap stuff?

Teal'c: It may be an imbued carrier-matrix laminate.

Blank looks.

Teal'c: It is an extremely sophisticated technology that Apophis was researching. A force field attached to a physical sheet, allowing for greater manipulation. It was rumored that he found fragmentary tablets from the Ancients.

Daniel: I'm thinking the tablets Anubis found weren't quite so fragmentary.

Jack: Yeah. Weaknesses?

Teal'c: I know very little of it. Apophis was extremely secretive at times.

Carter: We should move now that Anubis is pinned.

They flee. A jaffa spots them and sends a few bolts over their shoulders.

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Hammond: Close the wormhole and dial the primary Tok'ra base.

Davis: Yes sir.

M2: Wait! [belatedly] sir. 

He runs up, pushes about five grenades through the center of the event horizon, then comes down.

Hammond: Okay, close it.

Davis: Yes sir.

SCENE: Anubis's Gate

A side view of the gate, with the tube about two inches away and slowly retracting. Suddenly, five grenades pop out of the gate, and shoot straight into the tube. A Jaffa puts down another vocume, and Anubis's head pops back up. One grenade clips the rim and bounces out. A moment later the tube explodes. Fire spurts from five vents spaced around the tube where it joins the machine. The Jaffa don't look happy.

Anubis [yelling angrily]: Jaffa kree! FIND THOSE HUMANS AT ALL COSTS! TAKE WHATEVER MEN YOU NEED!

1st Prime: Yes, Lord! Jaffa, comb through the woods that way. Triangular formation, three-meter spacing. Kreln'yk, summon the other Jaffa and search outwards from the base.

Jaffa [from inside the Saran Wrap]: Lord, the feedback vents shunted the blast aside before it reached the machine. However, the delivery tube is destroyed.

SCENE: Corridor

Fraiser: General! General, you have to stop using the gate.

Hammond: Doctor, we have several teams off-world, one of them right on Anubis's world.

Fraiser: General, when I reported the cream turned into pure naquadah I was mistaken. Inside the naquadah are pockets and veins of the original cream.

She hands over a photograph. It looks like a small crusty cyborg-microbe.

Hammond: What is this?

Fraiser: A picture, sir. From the cream sample, under a microscope. It's a microbe of some sort, built primarily from naquadah. The gate seems to be a catalyst for its growth. Small smears of stepped naquadah I scraped off the gate after Selmak made his arrival and his calls contained these traces of cream too, and their growth [hands him another photo with lots of microbes] is far more advanced.

Hammond: Are you sure?

Fraiser: I left a bit of cream on the gate, then put another sample onto a bit of naquadah, with all variables except the opening of the gate controlled. The sample in my lab didn't grow at all. This is what happened to the gate sample. [third photo, sorta like a picture of sand] That's low magnification, sir. I have no idea what this thing is, and until the gate can be decontaminated, we cannot risk more travel.

COMMERCIALS


	4. Episode One: Act Three

In response to Quara:  
Actually, I believe on the TV captioning, it's spelled "naquadah."  
And regarding the uranium, all fixed. In case you're wondering why Jack still says the lightest is 235, here are my thoughts: Jack's a really military guy, with the exception of his astronomy and Simpsons thing, and the isotopes with well-known military applications are 235 and 238.

SCENE: Forest, outside a village

Teal'c: I cannot see any Jaffa at all.

Daniel: I don't think Anubis has occupied this village.

Jack: Why wouldn't he? It's less than a mile from his gate!

Teal'c: I begin to suspect that Anubis has not fully posessed this planet. Observe the curious absence of glider and Jaffa patrols.

Carter: Teal'c could be right. If Anubis stole the stepper technology from the Ancients, he could have just set up shop on the planet he found the it on, instead of bringing it back to his home world.

Jack: All right. We enter the village carefully. If the native population isn't under his thumb yet, that could be a big help.

Daniel: Surely you're not thinking of dragging them into this!

Jack: No. Let's move.

They enter. 

Kid: Mommy, mommy, the bad people are back! [points to Teal'c]

Everybody in the streets rushes into houses. A man runs off towards the center of the village.

Jack: Guess that answer our question, doesn't it?

Teal'c: Indeed it does, Jack O'Neill.

Daniel: He's getting the leader. Keep walking, act casual. Jack, would you put the stupid gun down?

SG-1 continue walking, and are met by five people, one of them quite elderly and the other four looking like advisor/bodyguard types.

Jack: Hi, nice to meetcha. Have you seen a bunch of Jaffa, you know, tall, bald, kinda like Teal'c here, carrying big nasty staves? Or maybe Anubis? Big, tall, face like boiling tar?

Elder: You return.

Jack: Uh, no. We're not Jaffa.

Elder: You speak.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, I do.

Elder: Again you return.

Jack: Hey, we aren't Jaffa, we do not work for Anubis.

Elder: We will not give you the chaapa'ainen'gtuul.

Jack: Daniel? Teal'c?

Daniel: Um, something about a divine stargate.

Elder [more forcefully]: You have taken the algo el'kaeodda, is that not enough?!

Jack: Algu...is that the stepper?

Elder: We do not care what you call it, leave us!

Daniel: Sir, let me handle this. We didn't take your ... algo el'kaeodda. That was Anubis. We actually want to prevent Anubis from taking it.

Elder: Nine of nines cannot hold a moment of time.

Jack: Great, another deep philosophical type.

Daniel: Actually, we've been fairly sucessful against Anubis so far. If you'd just help us --

Elder: [eyes flash and glow like he gets hit with a pain stick, speaks in Goa'uld voice] GA'AN MEHNAT'IL GRE'S!

Jack: Snakehead! 

Jack shoots, but the elder raises a hand and the bullets stop in midair. The other four raise their hands and SG-1 all keel over.

SCENE: Dim Room

SG-1 are all laid out on the floor, still with their weapons and clothing. Teal'c wakes, and gets up. He rouses the others.

Teal'c: We have been imprisoned.

Jack: He stopped the bullets!

Carter: If he could stop bullets, why not the staff blasts of the Jaffa?

Jack: In midair!

Daniel: He said we--the Jaffa--Anubis, I mean--took the algo el'kaeodda. That sounds fairly close to "anything the need," in a Latin dialect.

Jack: The stepper! Anything they need.

Teal'c: "Anything they need" would not hold true for the stepper Anubis is using. It can only convert certain elements to others.

Jack has lost interest in the conversation, and is using a flashlight on his P90 to check the walls.

Jack: Hey, there's a door! Jackson, get this open. Teal'c, hide somewhere, in case Mr. Bullet Catcher's got some goons out there.

Daniel: Actually, they've had a rough time with Jaffa, so shooting at them with a staff isn't the best idea.

He hurries over and starts looking the wall over with one of the dim torches. Jack flips his flashlight on for him.

Daniel: Thanks...this is writing, but not Latin. Looks kind of Greek, actually.

Jack: You know, I really don't plan on staying here until they find themselves some lions to feed us to, Jackson, do you?

Carter: Actually, that was the Romans. The Greeks were multiple city-states that all had their own methods of execution.

Daniel: Okay, I've got it. This here means "open," there's a patch of text I've never seen before, look kinda like bicycle wheels, really, then here it says "divine," or "holy." Another patch of bicycle wheels, and then this phrase here. "With divine might, foe we smite."

Carter: He's got more weapons?

Teal'c: This would seem to be an alien stockpile, Samantha Carter, but of another race. While the elder had the physical characteristics of a host, I did not sense a Goa'uld within him.

Jack: Daniel, how do we open the door?

Daniel: I don't know. Clearly these wheel sequences have some meaning, but I can't read them. And I don't think they are a visual representation of some sort of combination lock, because I can't find the dial.

Jack: Carter, break out the C-4. Let's smite these people with some of our own might.

Teal'c: Daniel Jackson, perhaps the sequences are themselves the dial.

He reaches over, and traces the rims of the wheels as directed by the arrows. The door starts to rumble. Everyone steps back. The door opens, and a cloud of dust obscures the view.

Voice: Intruder alert!

SCENE: Briefing Room

Hammond: Dr. Fraiser, you told me it was impossible to get the right elements into the right places through a stargate to form anything more complex than an atom.

Fraiser: It is! In order to form a simple molecule, you've got to get two stepper atoms to materialize through the stargate and survive the iris and still maintain their relative positions with less than a fraction of a nanometer of error. It is physically impossible.

Maybourne: Looks like Anubis has some better physics, then, doesn't it?

Techie: The stargate can get entire people through while maintaining this sort of cohesion, Doctor. There's no reason to think Anubis couldn't do the same. It's building the same car, just with materials that don't fully exist in our galaxy at any time. In fact, that might actually make it easier. Normal matter has to contend with the stresses of passing through several centimeters of atmosphere at near light speed while simultaneously decelerating from c to walking pace as it changes from energy to matter. This quantum stepper wouldn't have to, because it's already partially energy. It has a less stressful re-integration and takes less impact from the same collisions.

Fraiser: That doesn't matter. It's still trying to throw two balls through a Jacuzzi and expecting them to come out next to each other. Besides, just the energy of the stepping process blew a supposedly shatterproof lab can. 

Hammond: If they weren't sent through the gate, how did these microbes appear, Dr. Fraiser?

Fraiser: I believe that they were sent through the gate as is, and somehow survived the iris. Although we've never actually tried it, something that full of naquadah might be able to survive the collision. So far, naquadah seems to be the most durable material we've seen. There's no telling what it can take.

Techie: Preposterous.

Hammond: Then your theory is ...?

Techie: The microbe is a mutation of an earth virus. I've taken the liberty of running some tests, and 79% of the DNA matches that of Escherichia coli, strain 101752.

Fraiser: 79%, sir, would be laughed out of court.

Techie: No court on earth has ever had to deal with a strain floating around near a stargate exposed to who-knows-what extraterrestrial influences for years. 

Hammond: Strain 101752, isn't that --

Techie: The one that causes fatal infection at concentrations of ten cells to a liter? Yes, sir.

Fraiser: That makes it all the more unlikely, sir. If we had E. coli 101752 in our gate room, we'd have fatalities already.

Hammond: Can we risk using the Gate to warn our teams?

Fraiser: No, sir. I'd rather not use the Gate at all, if possible. This microbe grows exponentially with the gate active, and it's mitosis cycle is barely a minute. Even a brief period would quadruple the number of microbes we have to deal with.

Techie: I don't believe there are any SG teams due back for at least two days. Excepting SG-1, of course. I'd say the risk isn't worth it. The E. coli could wipe out the entire base.

Hammond: Dr. Fraiser, I want you and your staff to assume that it is indeed a mutation of E. coli and get a 100% sterilization procedure on my desk in...[checks watch] three hours. Work with Maybourne and his people. Dismissed.

SCENE: Gate Room

Hammond: Lieutenant Siler, we will be burying the Gate to prevent any incoming wormholes. Give me an estimate.

Siler: Um, a few tons of dirt should do it, sir. There's a quarry nearby that's not fussy with its topsoil, and we can pour a few cement rods to go through the center of the aperture itself to ensure that the stargate knows it's buried. I estimate an hour, less if we can put the rods in wet.

Hammond: Do it.

Siler: Um, sir? If anybody tries to dial in ...

Hammond: We'll have to take that risk, Lieutenant.

COMMERCIALS


	5. Title Page

In response to Quara:  
Actually, I believe on the TV captioning, it's spelled "naquadah."  
And regarding the uranium, all fixed. In case you're wondering why Jack still says the lightest is 235, here are my thoughts: Jack's a really military guy, with the exception of his astronomy and Simpsons thing, and the isotopes with well-known military applications are 235 and 238.

SCENE: Forest, outside a village

Teal'c: I cannot see any Jaffa at all.

Daniel: I don't think Anubis has occupied this village.

Jack: Why wouldn't he? It's less than a mile from his gate!

Teal'c: I begin to suspect that Anubis has not fully posessed this planet. Observe the curious absence of glider and Jaffa patrols.

Carter: Teal'c could be right. If Anubis stole the stepper technology from the Ancients, he could have just set up shop on the planet he found the it on, instead of bringing it back to his home world.

Jack: All right. We enter the village carefully. If the native population isn't under his thumb yet, that could be a big help.

Daniel: Surely you're not thinking of dragging them into this!

Jack: No. Let's move.

They enter. 

Kid: Mommy, mommy, the bad people are back! [points to Teal'c]

Everybody in the streets rushes into houses. A man runs off towards the center of the village.

Jack: Guess that answer our question, doesn't it?

Teal'c: Indeed it does, Jack O'Neill.

Daniel: He's getting the leader. Keep walking, act casual. Jack, would you put the stupid gun down?

SG-1 continue walking, and are met by five people, one of them quite elderly and the other four looking like advisor/bodyguard types.

Jack: Hi, nice to meetcha. Have you seen a bunch of Jaffa, you know, tall, bald, kinda like Teal'c here, carrying big nasty staves? Or maybe Anubis? Big, tall, face like boiling tar?

Elder: You return.

Jack: Uh, no. We're not Jaffa.

Elder: You speak.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, I do.

Elder: Again you return.

Jack: Hey, we aren't Jaffa, we do not work for Anubis.

Elder: We will not give you the chaapa'ainen'gtuul.

Jack: Daniel? Teal'c?

Daniel: Um, something about a divine stargate.

Elder [more forcefully]: You have taken the algo el'kaeodda, is that not enough?!

Jack: Algu...is that the stepper?

Elder: We do not care what you call it, leave us!

Daniel: Sir, let me handle this. We didn't take your ... algo el'kaeodda. That was Anubis. We actually want to prevent Anubis from taking it.

Elder: Nine of nines cannot hold a moment of time.

Jack: Great, another deep philosophical type.

Daniel: Actually, we've been fairly sucessful against Anubis so far. If you'd just help us --

Elder: [eyes flash and glow like he gets hit with a pain stick, speaks in Goa'uld voice] GA'AN MEHNAT'IL GRE'S!

Jack: Snakehead! 

Jack shoots, but the elder raises a hand and the bullets stop in midair. The other four raise their hands and SG-1 all keel over.

SCENE: Dim Room

SG-1 are all laid out on the floor, still with their weapons and clothing. Teal'c wakes, and gets up. He rouses the others.

Teal'c: We have been imprisoned.

Jack: He stopped the bullets!

Carter: If he could stop bullets, why not the staff blasts of the Jaffa?

Jack: In midair!

Daniel: He said we--the Jaffa--Anubis, I mean--took the algo el'kaeodda. That sounds fairly close to "anything the need," in a Latin dialect.

Jack: The stepper! Anything they need.

Teal'c: "Anything they need" would not hold true for the stepper Anubis is using. It can only convert certain elements to others.

Jack has lost interest in the conversation, and is using a flashlight on his P90 to check the walls.

Jack: Hey, there's a door! Jackson, get this open. Teal'c, hide somewhere, in case Mr. Bullet Catcher's got some goons out there.

Daniel: Actually, they've had a rough time with Jaffa, so shooting at them with a staff isn't the best idea.

He hurries over and starts looking the wall over with one of the dim torches. Jack flips his flashlight on for him.

Daniel: Thanks...this is writing, but not Latin. Looks kind of Greek, actually.

Jack: You know, I really don't plan on staying here until they find themselves some lions to feed us to, Jackson, do you?

Carter: Actually, that was the Romans. The Greeks were multiple city-states that all had their own methods of execution.

Daniel: Okay, I've got it. This here means "open," there's a patch of text I've never seen before, look kinda like bicycle wheels, really, then here it says "divine," or "holy." Another patch of bicycle wheels, and then this phrase here. "With divine might, foe we smite."

Carter: He's got more weapons?

Teal'c: This would seem to be an alien stockpile, Samantha Carter, but of another race. While the elder had the physical characteristics of a host, I did not sense a Goa'uld within him.

Jack: Daniel, how do we open the door?

Daniel: I don't know. Clearly these wheel sequences have some meaning, but I can't read them. And I don't think they are a visual representation of some sort of combination lock, because I can't find the dial.

Jack: Carter, break out the C-4. Let's smite these people with some of our own might.

Teal'c: Daniel Jackson, perhaps the sequences are themselves the dial.

He reaches over, and traces the rims of the wheels as directed by the arrows. The door starts to rumble. Everyone steps back. The door opens, and a cloud of dust obscures the view.

Voice: Intruder alert!

SCENE: Briefing Room

Hammond: Dr. Fraiser, you told me it was impossible to get the right elements into the right places through a stargate to form anything more complex than an atom.

Fraiser: It is! In order to form a simple molecule, you've got to get two stepper atoms to materialize through the stargate and survive the iris and still maintain their relative positions with less than a fraction of a nanometer of error. It is physically impossible.

Maybourne: Looks like Anubis has some better physics, then, doesn't it?

Techie: The stargate can get entire people through while maintaining this sort of cohesion, Doctor. There's no reason to think Anubis couldn't do the same. It's building the same car, just with materials that don't fully exist in our galaxy at any time. In fact, that might actually make it easier. Normal matter has to contend with the stresses of passing through several centimeters of atmosphere at near light speed while simultaneously decelerating from c to walking pace as it changes from energy to matter. This quantum stepper wouldn't have to, because it's already partially energy. It has a less stressful re-integration and takes less impact from the same collisions.

Fraiser: That doesn't matter. It's still trying to throw two balls through a Jacuzzi and expecting them to come out next to each other. Besides, just the energy of the stepping process blew a supposedly shatterproof lab can. 

Hammond: If they weren't sent through the gate, how did these microbes appear, Dr. Fraiser?

Fraiser: I believe that they were sent through the gate as is, and somehow survived the iris. Although we've never actually tried it, something that full of naquadah might be able to survive the collision. So far, naquadah seems to be the most durable material we've seen. There's no telling what it can take.

Techie: Preposterous.

Hammond: Then your theory is ...?

Techie: The microbe is a mutation of an earth virus. I've taken the liberty of running some tests, and 79% of the DNA matches that of Escherichia coli, strain 101752.

Fraiser: 79%, sir, would be laughed out of court.

Techie: No court on earth has ever had to deal with a strain floating around near a stargate exposed to who-knows-what extraterrestrial influences for years. 

Hammond: Strain 101752, isn't that --

Techie: The one that causes fatal infection at concentrations of ten cells to a liter? Yes, sir.

Fraiser: That makes it all the more unlikely, sir. If we had E. coli 101752 in our gate room, we'd have fatalities already.

Hammond: Can we risk using the Gate to warn our teams?

Fraiser: No, sir. I'd rather not use the Gate at all, if possible. This microbe grows exponentially with the gate active, and it's mitosis cycle is barely a minute. Even a brief period would quadruple the number of microbes we have to deal with.

Techie: I don't believe there are any SG teams due back for at least two days. Excepting SG-1, of course. I'd say the risk isn't worth it. The E. coli could wipe out the entire base.

Hammond: Dr. Fraiser, I want you and your staff to assume that it is indeed a mutation of E. coli and get a 100% sterilization procedure on my desk in...[checks watch] three hours. Work with Maybourne and his people. Dismissed.

SCENE: Gate Room

Hammond: Lieutenant Siler, we will be burying the Gate to prevent any incoming wormholes. Give me an estimate.

Siler: Um, a few tons of dirt should do it, sir. There's a quarry nearby that's not fussy with its topsoil, and we can pour a few cement rods to go through the center of the aperture itself to ensure that the stargate knows it's buried. I estimate an hour, less if we can put the rods in wet.

Hammond: Do it.

Siler: Um, sir? If anybody tries to dial in ...

Hammond: We'll have to take that risk, Lieutenant.

COMMERCIALS


End file.
